FIVE MOVES THAT WILL MAKE YOU DANGEROUSLY INTELLIGENT

I've been doing this for a long time. Radio. Television. Newsrooms. Executive producing.

Meetings held in every location from barstools to boardrooms. Sales confabs. Conventions. Conferences and planning sessions. Even mild to full blown arguments.

And somewhere along the way, five rules took shape and began to emerge.They're not complicated or some secret executive-school formula. These are things I've tried to follow for years. Eventually, salespeople started asking me to teach them.

The funny thing? Most people already know all five. They just don't do them because they're hard. They take real discipline.

You see, human beings want to react. We want to defend ourselves, show people how much we know. We want the last word, and we want to win.

That's exactly where we get into trouble, because winning the moment isn't necessarily winning the narrative.

Buckle up, we're going in.

#1: STAY SILENT IN ARGUMENTS

This doesn't mean you're afraid. It doesn't mean you lost, that you agree, or you're frantically poring over notes.

When somebody attacks your position, listen to the argument. Then you have to get the mental gears working.

What are they really trying to accomplish? Are they trying to get information, provoke you, embarrass you? Change the subject? Recruit somebody else in the room? Make you angry?

Watch what they're actually doing. Research from MIT found that even relatively short periods of silence in negotiations can create a more deliberative mindset and improve outcomes.

That's exactly why I like silence. It gives you a few seconds to stop reacting and start thinking. Sometimes those few seconds are worth more than your next five minutes of talking.

#2: ASK QUESTIONS INSTEAD OF GIVING OPINIONS

Someone says:“Your idea won't work.” Don't immediately tell them why they're wrong.

Ask:“Why do you think that?” Now they have to explain.

Then:“What would make it work?”

Not only are you now learning, you're in control of the narrative.

Harvard research has found that question-asking, particularly follow-up questions, helps people gather information and can increase how positively they're perceived.

Questions also change the temperature of a conversation. An opinion is a position. A question is an invitation to explain.

Sometimes that difference is enough to turn an argument into a discussion, where you have the advantage.

#3: LET THEM UNDERESTIMATE YOU

This one takes real discipline, but it's also a favorite of mine. It's often where I truly begin to control the narrative.

Stop trying to prove how smart you are. You don't have to reveal every contact, resource, fact, alternative or card in your hand.

That isn't dishonesty. It's called information management.

Negotiation research shows that information asymmetry can change bargaining outcomes, and research on first offers has demonstrated that revealing private information can sometimes create a disadvantage.

So let them think you're a little behind, if that's what they choose to believe.

Listen. Learn. Prepare.

Then, when you need to demonstrate what you know, let it fly.

The advantage isn't that they think you're stupid. It's that they don't know the full extent of what you're capable of.

#4: LET THEM TALK

This is where people give away the farm.

People just can't stand silence, so they keep talking.

Excellent. Let them.

People reveal an extraordinary amount when they aren't interrupted. They reveal priorities, assumptions, knowledge, insecurities, objectives and contradictions.

A recent review of negotiation listening research argues that effective listening means looking beyond simply trying to persuade and paying attention to movement, change and what remains unspoken.

That's intelligence gathering, and you're not sitting there waiting for your turn.

You're studying the conversation.

#5: WATCH THE PATTERNS

This one is where you start getting really good.

Don't become one of those people who thinks looking away means someone is lying.

Old school thinking, and it's wrong.

The FBI's review of deception research specifically warns that behavioral cues such as gaze aversion and fidgeting are unreliable standalone indicators. Instead, look for patterns.

Does somebody always interrupt, change the subject, become aggressive when challenged, always mock people they disagree with, and become extraordinarily vague when asked for specifics?

That's very useful, because one behavior proves everything.

Remember: Repeated behavior tells you how somebody operates. Research into conversational dominance has identified interruptions, topic control and speech patterns as meaningful elements of how people exercise control within conversations.

Learn the pattern. It takes patience and some real discipline to do, but when you've got it, you're not surprised by the next move.

Now, let's put this all together into a simple package.

Someone comes at you.

Don't react.

Listen.

Ask a question.

Don't reveal everything.

Let them continue.

Pay attention. Look for it. Notice the pattern.

Suddenly you've turned what could have been an emotional fight into an intelligence-gathering exercise.You now understand what's behind their conversation, the motives, what they want from you, and you can now turn it around to your advantage.

That's the entire point. You're not trying to win the argument. You're trying to understand the game.

Once you understand the game, you're much less likely to let somebody else write your narrative.

I've used these five for years, and they aren't magic.They require discipline.

But they have one enormous advantage:They make you harder to manipulate. When you're harder to manipulate, you're much harder to control.

That's when you stop reacting to somebody else's narrative, and start controlling your own.

Be dangerously intelligent. Control the Narrative™.